Hope

First of all, I am sorry that I haven’t written in here for several weeks now.  Things have been going relatively well with Cassandra.  She is getting proper exercise, taking very good vitamin supplements, and we have begun dialoguing using a very good Christian marriage program. 

We are not completely out of the water yet, as Cassandra’s biological family still has a very strong pull regarding her world view and her views on men.  I have noticed that the more time she spends talking to her sister, the more unhappy and angry she is.  The more happy and at peace she is, the less time she wants to spend talking to her sister and mother.  

I have no control over what Cassandra thinks or what Cassandra does.  I only have control over what I think and do.  As Kim Gemmel says, “Although we may not have a choice with the cards we are dealt at times, we always have a choice with how we play them.”  There is great power in this.  I have chosen to see my situation as an opportunity for growth.  

I have always done my best, but I have not always done the right thing.  One thing that I know is right, however, has been letting go of the hurtful things said to me.  Nicky Gumbel says, “When you choose to forgive those who have hurt you, you take away their power.”  We don’t make them right, but we do make ourselves free.  We give ourselves the gift of peace.  From there, we can move forward and see more clearly the right path.  

With Cassandra, there are good times and bad times.  Yes, I have chosen to stay.  I have chosen to try to work things out with the mother of my children.  I have made this choice largely for the sake of my children.  The result has been tremendous growth and internal peace.  It has taken a great deal of work, as well as God’s grace, to achieve this growth, and it has been beautiful.  I know that I am just starting to tap into the incredible power that lies inside of me.  I know, without a doubt, that a life of joy and blessing lies before me.

I pray that your path is the same.  Remember the words of Rhonda Byrne, "There is no such thing as a hopeless situation. Every single circumstance of your life can change!"

Christian

Grace

I came across this quote:

Chances are that you'll come face to face with hurting people today. Give them the benefit of the doubt. Show them grace. ~Clayton King

This says a lot about Cassandra and people like her.  They are simply hurting people who don’t know what to do with their hurt.  Nothing else would motivate a person to speak in a cruel way toward others.  It became clear to me this week that one of the changes in attitude that allowed me to re-connect with Cassandra was simply the growth in empathy from reading books by and about people who survived child sexual abuse. 

One book in particular, Daddy’s Girl by Charlotte Vale Allen, brought out the horror and confusion caused to a girl growing up in a horribly abusive home.  In reading this, I realized that Cassandra grew up in a world completely different from my own.  It’s no wonder that she sees the world so differently.  As I’ve written before, it is a question of developing empathy.

That said, it is also imperative that we know ourselves and to evaluate our own respective situations.  Each person who reads this must make their own decision regarding their situation in life.  I just hope that reading this blog gives you valuable food for thought.  Thank you for joining me on this journey.  I really do find myself growing in ways that I never knew that a person could grow.  By facing the challenge of my marriage, I really am becoming a better person.  In showing grace to others, we too become filled with grace.  I hope and pray that your journey is also filled with grace and tremendous personal growth. 

In solidarity and prayer,

Christian

Reasons to Stay

Since I began writing this blog, I have been asked several times why I stay in my marriage.  I ask myself the same question.  A few weeks ago, I came to the point where I was mentally and spiritually ready to move on.  I could see a very bright future for myself, and it is good to know that moving on is a very real and viable option for me. 

I did not decide to move on.  I decided to move forward with Cassandra.  Does this mean that I am weak?  Does it mean that I am actually afraid to move on?  I have given these questions careful consideration.  Several points of reflection come into play.

The first question is:  Do I believe that this relationship can be better?  The answer to this is yes.  The reason why I can answer yes is because I believe in miracles and I believe in the sacrament of marriage.  I honestly do believe that the shifts that have taken place in Cassandra and in our marriage are the result of prayer and Divine Intervention.  I also believe that this healing can and will continue.    I know that this may sound crazy to some readers, but it is something that I believe from the depths of my soul.

The second question is:  Do I like myself in this relationship?  Do I see myself becoming a better person?  The answer to this question is also yes.  Facing the challenge of my marriage has forced me to grow in ways that I never knew a person could grow.  We do not often choose our circumstances in life, but we do choose how we respond to them.  I had no idea that life with Cassandra would be so difficult.  She seemed so together when we were first dating.  It wasn’t until after we had a child that it became clear to me that something was not right and that I was indeed being abused.  I could have left and no one would have held it against me, but it did not feel right.  As I said a few weeks ago, I chose to become bigger than my problem.  I had to become bigger than the abuse, and I did.   I really like who I am and who I am becoming.

The third question is:  Is there any evidence that I am doing the right thing by staying?  The answer again is yes.  I look at my children and I see beautiful, kind, secure people.  My oldest child, from Cassandra’s first marriage, has his struggles.  I didn’t come into the picture until he was six, but enough people have told me that they see my influence in his life for me to know that it exists.  Cassandra’s second child was three when I came into the picture.  It is surprising how alike we are.  He is just the kindest, most accepting young man today.  Everyone feels comfortable and happy in his presence.  Our youngest, the child that Cassandra and I had together, is also a wonderful young person.  She is bright and hard-working, and again, people just like to be in her presence.  I see children of divorce every day in my work as a teacher.  I can see the pain in their eyes.  I know that sometimes divorce and separation are necessary for the well-being of one partner and the children, but that is not the case in my situation.

Every situation is unique.  This is why it is so necessary for those of us with difficult partners to take very good care of ourselves.  We need to be at peace with who we are so that we can hear the voice of God speaking in our hearts and make the right decisions.  For me Holosync meditation and my Christian Faith enable me to do this.  I am forever thankful.

May God be with you.

Christian

Returning Home

I returned home this week.  This was very positive.  Though I did not receive an admonition from Cassandra that she is abusive and needs to make changes, I did receive a commitment to do better.  Will things be perfect?  Likely there will be struggles again, but, as Hunter Thompson says, “Who is happier: he who has braved the storm of life and lived or he who has stayed securely on shore and merely existed?"

I also came to an important realization in myself.  I have no difficulty in life accepting the perspective of a person from a different culture.  I can accept the other person’s opinion as valid, even though I may not understand it or even believe what they see as an absolute truth.  This ability made my life in Africa both fruitful and enjoyable.  So why haven’t I been able to take the same perspective with Cassandra?  She was raised in the same culture as I was, but her family and mine could not have been more different.  Being brought up in an abusive home, her belief systems are very different from mine.  Why haven’t I simply been able to accept that?  In fact, by accepting that, I am able to have a healthy detachment from Cassandra.  I no longer take what she says personally, I am able to observe that this person really sees the world in a way that is much different than my own.  I’m able to ask questions and to learn.  Her words and accusations no longer have an impact on me.  They simply represent a world view quite different from my own.

This ties in with a very valuable lesson from the Napoleon Hill Foundation:
The mind is the most powerful weapon known to man. It simply cannot be controlled or contained by an outside force, however formidable that force may at first appear. Throughout history, tyrants have tried to control those who opposed them, but eventually these rulers discovered the power of the imagination was far greater than the threat of the sword. As Victor Hugo said, “An invasion of armies can be resisted, but not an idea whose time has come.” 

No one else can control our thoughts.  That is our ultimate freedom.   I close today with one final quote:

Although we may not have a choice with the cards we are dealt at times, we always have a choice with how we play them.  Kim Gemmell

May God bless you abundantly this week.

Christian

Standing for my Principles

I spoke this week about my current situation with a friend who has known me for many years.  I described to him what is happening and the decision I had made.  Either we look seriously at Cassandra’s issues and how they are impacting our relationship and begin to heal, or we end the relationship.  My friend is a very insightful, deeply spiritual, aboriginal fellow, and he said, “There is something very different about you now.  You have a different energy about you.”

I replied, “I’ve been able to detach from Cassandra and the situation.”

He said, “No, it is not just detachment.  You’ve established a principle and are no longer going to compromise.  You have said, ‘This is as far as we go, and no further.’  That is a really good thing.  That is the way it has to be.  Things cannot move forward in any other way.”

My friend is right.  I have finally taken responsibility for my family.  There is no more compromise.  Sometimes you just have to stand up to others and do the right thing.  When we do that, however, things always work out for the best.  Knowing that gives me tremendous peace.

I look back to just over a year ago where I really began to have problems with Cassandra and her family.  I wrote in this blog then about some friends of ours who had a horrible conflict in their marriage.  The father was struggling with alcohol and went on a binge.  He locked his wife and daughters out of the house.  They came to our house, and of course we welcomed them.  Cassandra’s sister was also at our house and was breathing fire.  The father is a good friend of mine, and being as drunk as he was, his life was in danger.  I said, “I need to check on him and make sure he’s OK.”

Cassandra’s sister turned and glared at me in a way that I have never seen on a human face; it was quite terrifying.  She said, “What do you need to see HIM for?!”

I just replied, “It is just the right thing to do.”

At that moment I really began to awaken.  I began to follow my conscience instead of doing what would please Cassandra and her family.  Any time we follow our conscience, it brings peace and joy, as well as blessings which we cannot even imagine.  Even when it makes us uncomfortable, it is ALWAYS best to simply follow one’s conscience.  

My friend and his wife are now legally separated and filing for divorce.  His wife continues to be best friends with Cassandra’s sister, and every time I see her, she looks quite angry.  Perhaps that is my opinion, however.  My friend has confronted his alcoholism, gotten the help he needed, and moved forward in life.  It is as if, after many years, he has begun to discover again who he really is.  Serendipitously, when I needed a place to stay as I left Cassandra, he welcomed me into his home.

And so my journey continues.  I am praying that Cassandra agrees to get help and work with me in her recovery process; but, I am also prepared to move on.  Prayer is an amazing thing.  Even if God’s answer  to our requests is “no”, great things always happen.  That simple confidence fills me with peace, joy and an indescribable optimism.

May God bless you.

Christian

Empathy

Cassandra and I went to counseling this week and reached a decision.  There is temporary separation.  I am staying with a friend, and she is staying in the house with our child.  I announced my decision, as outlined in last week’s blog, and I am asking for Cassandra’s decision in three weeks.  That will give her time to move through the emotions involved and to make a clear choice.

My greatest concern through all of this is our child.  She could potentially lose the only home that she remembers and the sanctuary of her beautiful room.  I have already begun the process of learning to parent a child through separation and divorce.  I know that I have always been and will always be her kind and loving father, and that is beautiful.

Our other children are grown.  They are from Cassandra’s first marriage and I adopted them both.  The oldest was six when Cassandra and I started dating and eight when we married.  He was already badly abused by his biological father.  I’ve done my best, but our relationship is distant.  That is unfortunately very typical, I have learned.  I can’t see our relationship changing unless Cassandra herself heals.  Our other child was three when Cassandra and I started dating.  He and I are very close.  Through all of this, I am thankful for the difference that I have been able to make in his life.  He is a kind and wonderful young man, and he inspires me.

Despite the fact that I may no longer be with Cassandra, I still feel empathy for what she has gone through in her life.  She was horribly abused by her father as a child.  As I said last week, I am reading Daddy’s Girl by Charlotte Vale Allen.  It is the most horrific book I have ever read, and it could have been written by Cassandra.  I would highly recommend this book to anyone who is in a relationship with an abusive person.  They likely suffered in a similar way as a child.

Feeling empathy for another, however, does not mean that they are not responsible for their behavior.  It does make it easier to forgive, which is very good and healing for us, but it does not make the abusive behavior OK.  Eventually the person has to come to terms with the way that they are behaving.  They have to make the decision, “Am I going to heal, or am I going to insist that there is nothing wrong with me and watch this person walk out of my life?”  This is the choice in front of Cassandra right now.

Please keep us in your prayers.

Christian