Sunday 30 December 2012

Hello Again


It has been a long time since I have written in this blog.  It is good to be writing again.  I have experienced much growth in the last several months, and I have realized some important things.

The most important thing I realized is that, though God brings healing, even He cannot heal someone who does not want to be healed.  I have been praying for years for Cassandra to heal.  This has brought me great growth, peace, enlightenment and joy.  It has not changed her, however.  She continues to be abusive, and is unable to see the problems that her behaviour causes.  The reason for this is because she does not even have the courage to admit that she needs to be healed.  I can do nothing about that.  Even God can do nothing about that.

Another thing that I realized is that abusive people do not think like the rest of us.  It is indeed true that we become what we think about.  An abusive person, likely because of what they grew up believing, does not understand many of the beautiful principles of life and ends up a prisoner of their own terrifying thoughts.  They do not understand, for example, that people are kind because kindness is its own reward, that it simply feels good to be kind, and though kind acts bring good things to us, we never know when or where those rewards will arrive, nor do we care.  I realize that I have a great deal to learn about the mind of an abuser.  When I married her, I thought that Cassandra saw the world the way that I do.  Now I see that this is the root of so many of our problems.

Finally, I realize that in order to follow God’s call in my life I may have to leave Cassandra behind.  I have told her that she needs to get help or that I will move on.  This is really the most loving thing that I can do, both for her and for myself.  This may be the wake-up call she needs.   I know that I have a beautiful and amazing future ahead of me.  I can even see my thesis for my Master’s Degree!  I can also see tremendous success for my writing.  Life is so beautiful!

Speaking of writing, I read an excellent book a few days ago.  It is called The Emotionally Abusive Relationship by Beverly Engel.  She really clarifies how and why relationships can be abusive.  My only criticism would be that she does not discuss the fact that many of us enter abusive relationships simply because we are nice people who want to help others.  One counselor explained to me that many men, for example, will enter a relationship with a hurting woman simply because we want to be the knight in shining armour.  Little do we know the challenges that lie ahead.  Beyond this one flaw, Engel’s book is amazing and I would highly recommend it.

May 2013 be a year filled with much joy, love, peace and happiness.  I look forward to sharing many reflections with you.

Christian

 

Sunday 9 September 2012

Thank you!

Thank you very much for reading my blog.  I am going to take a break from writing.  Please take some time to read my earlier blogs.  My journey with Cassandra has been, and continues to be, challenging and beautiful.  I have grown so much in Faith and self knowledge.  Thank you for sharing this journey with me.

In saying goodbye for now, I would like to share a few tools that I have found very useful:

The writings of Gary Thomas put Christian marriage into perspective, and I highly recommend checking them out.  Here is a link to one of his books:  http://www.garythomas.com/sacred-marriage

As I have said many times, Holosync meditation has made a huge difference in my life.  Here is a link to learn more about that:  https://www.centerpointe.com/?aid=373010

May God bless you on your journey!  Let's pray for one another.

Christian

Sunday 2 September 2012

Hosea

I have always loved the song Hosea.  As a young man, it spoke to me as the ideal of love.  I never thought of being loved, I just wanted to love someone, and this song spoke to my heart as the goal to strive for.  It is amazing how our thoughts become reality.  This is actually a good thing, we should all strive to love our spouses the way that God loves us, but it does pose a real challenge for us as humans.  Here are the words to the song:
 
Hosea

Gregory Norbert

© 1972 The Benedictine Foundation of the State of Vermont

Come back to me with all your heart.

Don't let fear keep us apart.

Trees do bend, though straight and tall

so must we, to other's call.

Long have I waited for your coming,

home to me and living, deeply our new lives.


The wilderness will lead you

to your heart where I will speak.

Integrity and justice,

With tenderness, you shall know.

Long have I waited for your coming,

home to me and living, deeply our new lives.


You shall sleep secure with peace;

faithfulness will be your joy.

Long have I waited for your coming,

home to me and living, deeply our new lives.

Being married to someone with depression is much like this song.  They are with us for a time, and suddenly they are gone.  We say, "Come back to me with all your heart.  Don't let fear keep us apart."  Fear rules Cassandra's heart when she is gone.

Then I notice that Cassandra physically separates from me, she goes into the wilderness, so to speak, and then comes back.  She stays until she is taken over by fear again.

In the end, she finds peace and is forever faithful.  We live together in joy.  That is the power of love.

I wish to clarify in saying that I am not perfect in love as God is perfect in love.  Along with the trauma of her past, my own humanity has contributed to Cassandra's fear.  One cannot forgive if one lives in fear.  Cassandra needs to find peace and security before she can forgive, before she can love.  Until that time comes, I continue to sing, "Long have I waited for your coming home to me and living, deeply our new lives."



 

Sunday 26 August 2012

Husbands Love Your Wives


I heard a very interesting lecture this week on the teachings of St. Catherine of Siena.  She likened a person’s spirituality to a tree.  The root of the tree, the root of our spirituality, is self-knowledge.  This really struck me.  For years, I believed what Cassandra said about me.  In the last few years, I have grown tremendously in self-knowledge, and thus my spirituality has grown and blossomed.  I am so much happier, and so much more at peace.  In doing so, I can see things that I never saw before.

At church this week, I heard the reading from Ephesians 5, “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church.”  Now, let’s look at that.  The Church has certainly not been perfect throughout history.  Many crimes were committed in the name of God, like the crusades and the inquisitions.  Still, Jesus forgave the Church for the suffering it caused His children, and the Church has learned from these mistakes.  The Church has also distorted the words of Christ to protect the interests of the powerful.  Jesus wants us to live abundant lives, but for so long people were told to accept their lot in life and that their reward would be in heaven.

I see so many parallels to this in my own life.  I see Cassandra doing hurtful things and twisting my words, making them unrecognizable to me.  Still, I am called to love her and be faithful.  “For better or for worse, in sickness and in health (and that includes mental health).” 

 The reading goes on to say that, “husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies.”  Well, I do love and respect my body, and I believe in my tremendous healing capacity.  I rarely get sick because when I feel a virus coming into my system, I focus on the amazing power of my body to heal.  That is how I am to view Cassandra, with an amazing power to be well.  Know what the problem is, but focus on the solution.  “All will be well.”

May God fill you with Grace and peace.

Christian

Sunday 19 August 2012

Looking Back


Have you ever asked yourself, “How did I get myself into this situation?”  I believe that it is important to take full responsibility for where we are in life, and to acknowledge who we are.  For me, I know that I am a “helper”.  I was raised in an upper middle class home, and I’ve always wanted to share the blessings that I was given with others.  I spent a number of years as a missionary, always trying to serve the least fortunate.  As a teacher, I am most effective with students who really struggle.  It’s not that I have a saviour complex, I just like doing that sort of thing, and I find it really rewarding.  I just accept people for who they are, and we have a wonderful time together.

It is not surprising that I had the same attitude when finding a spouse.  Cassandra was a single mother with two young children when I met her.  She was also very intelligent and extremely beautiful.  I remembered learning that before a person goes into a new relationship, they need to heal from the last one.  Cassandra was going through a divorce, but hadn’t been with her first husband for quite some time.  On our first date I asked her, “Have you healed from your marriage?”  She thought for a moment and said, “Yes, I have.  I have two beautiful boys from the relationship and I’m thankful for them.”  What she meant was, “I’ve put things in perspective.”  Because I really wanted to be in a relationship with Cassandra, I heard, “Yes, I’m healed.  I’m ready to be in a relationship with you.”  Later I found out that Cassandra had been abused as a child, and that her first husband was also abusive.  I should have taken a step back from the relationship at that time, but I chose not to.  That was my mistake, and I take full responsibility for it.  I’m not beating myself up over it, I did the best that I could with what I had to work with at that time.  I had the knowledge, but I lacked the wisdom.

It is said that God writes straight with crooked lines.  This time with Cassandra has been an amazing journey of self-discovery, especially the last two years.  Yes, Cassandra needs to finally heal, and I need to continue to move forward in life.  The solution may be for me to make a career change and work overseas.  The next few months will tell a great deal.  I am excited to see what happens.  Life is a beautiful adventure.  Take responsibility, and always be thankful.

Christian

Sunday 12 August 2012

Moving Forward


It is amazing how great life can be when you are moving forward and trying to make the world a better place.  This week I visited a Thought Field Therapy practitioner in order to learn about using this therapy for students in my school district.  What I found was an amazing tool that I want to share with readers of this blog.  The practitioner asked me to imagine a stressful situation.  I spoke about tension I feel when being confronted by Cassandra.  I never know what I am going to be met with when I walk through my front door.  What will I be accused of?  What have I “done” to upset Cassandra this time?  The practitioner was able to walk me through the feelings of this confrontation and I was able to let them go.  In doing so, I realized that Cassandra has no power over me.  I can simply walk away from her when she acts this way.  I also realized that, as Victor Frankl says, “Suffering ceases to be suffering when we give meaning to it.”  How many of my students feel the same way when they walk through the door of their homes?  How many of my readers feel this way?   What kind of a difference am I making in their lives because I know how they feel, and I can show them how to overcome the fear and thrive?

I also made another discovery this week.  I have written many times about how Holosync meditation has made a huge difference in my life.  Though it is not linked to any particular spirituality, I have commented that it has deepened my Christian Faith.  I now understand why.  According to Thresholds of the Mind by Bill Harris, “You can approach this program (Holosync) from any religious point of view without compromising your faith.  You can think of it merely as a way of reordering your brain to help it accept life’s challenges and opportunities with greater equanimity and without fear.  If you are part of a faith community, however, you can use your faith as the center for the work you do through Centerpointe.”  (p. 10) He also states, and this is definitely what I experienced, “participants also report a deeper connection to the world around them, as well as a deeper connection to the Divine, God, Higher Power, the Universe (or however you understand the concept).” (p. 9)

We live in a beautiful and amazing world where new tools are being developed every day to help us to deal with the challenges we face and move forward in life.  When we become aware, when we are able to heal and forgive, we are able to once again find our true selves.  We are able to make positive choices and do great things.  Hopefully our loved ones choose to heal, forgive and move forward with us, but God has given us all free will and they must choose for themselves.

For more information on Thought Field Therapy, go to:  http://www.rogercallahan.com/index.php

For more information on Holosync meditation, go to: https://www.centerpointe.com/?aid=373010

May God bless you with grace and peace on your journey of discovery!

Christian




Sunday 5 August 2012

The Alchemist


I returned home from camp this week.  It is good to be home.  I missed my family, as well as such comforts as sleeping in the same building where the bathroom is.  While I was away, I noticed that Cassandra had continued her efforts to move away from me.  She converted her office into a bedroom and moved out of the master bedroom.  She created a beautiful space for herself.  Some husbands may see that as a bad thing, but I understand Cassandra and understand her needs.  She came out of an abusive home, and has never been out of a relationship with a man for any significant length of time.  She has therefore never been able to come to a point of healing.  All of her relationships with men, except mine, have ended badly.  I have no problem giving her the space she needs to grow.  That is one of the reasons why I was so happy when I was at camp, I knew that Cassandra needed the time.  “If you love something, let it go.  If it returns to you it is yours, if it does not, it never was.”

This view on love is affirmed over and over in an amazing book that I am reading right now called The Alchemist, by Paulo Coelho.  The boy in the story falls in love with a girl at a desert oasis.   He is struggling with leaving her to pursue his dream and continue on his journey.  She says to him, “I want you to continue toward your goal….the dunes are changed by the wind, but the desert never changes.  That is the way it will be with our love for each other.”  This also defines my love for Cassandra.  My role in loving her is to continue to support her in following her dreams, in finding herself, even if she does not realize it.

The Alchemist is about far more than relationships.  It is about pursuing our purpose in life.  As I read, I think of my own goals, my own dreams, my own destiny, my own Personal Legend.  It is a beautiful adventure.  In a way, a book like this is an oasis in the desert of life with a loved one with mental illness.  It is so important and beautiful to step away from the distorted reality of Cassandra and find Truth.  In doing so, I can analyze my journey toward my Personal Legend and realize that Cassandra is an important part of that.  In the chaos of her world, I have found myself, just as Victor Frankl found truth and inner power in Nazi concentration camps.  There is nothing in the universe that can stop a person from moving toward his/her own Personal Legend, except for the choices that we ourselves make. Life is a beautiful adventure!

Sunday 29 July 2012

The Eagle


July 29, 2012

I have not written my blog for almost two months.  I still continue to write, however.  Writing is so powerful and so healing.   Cassandra’s depression returned in late May.  Life with her has again become a great challenge.

At this moment, I am away from home working in a beautiful Christian summer camp.  I love my work here, and I love this place.  On Friday, after the campers went home, I took out a kayak on my own.  I paddled on the calm waters of a huge lake.  I could see a town and cottages in a distance, but mostly I saw the vast power of nature.  I could see God’s hand at work and I could feel the immensity of his blessing.  I saw a beautiful bald eagle perched in a tree.  I stopped and just watched, and I was so thankful.  What blessings are showered upon me!  How many people in our fast paced modern world are able to silently embrace the beauty and power of our amazing world?

I have been away from Cassandra and my home for over two weeks now.  Cassandra rarely wants to talk on the phone.  She and our children are in my prayers, but I do enjoy the time away.  I’ve been doing this job for three years.  In the past, I felt restless without my family around.  Now I am aware that this is part of the healing process.  I embrace that fact, and I am happy.  I also realize that I have nothing to lose and everything to gain.  I pray for Cassandra to choose to heal.  If she chooses not to, my life continues on.  Children are eventually drawn to the parent who is kind, loving and understanding.  I don’t have to fight for my children, I don’t have to compete with Cassandra for their attention, they know that I love and accept them and always welcome the time that we are able to spend together.  All will be well.

A few days before I left home, Cassandra was ranting.  I closed my eyes and simply listened.  I could see Cassandra hanging from a rope in a bombed out city.  Then she mentioned Lourdes, France.  When she was a child, a very kind teacher from her elementary school took Cassandra and another girl from her class to Lourdes.  I could see Cassandra walking into a clearing.  This was the one point in her life where she found peace.  Lourdes is a place renowned for healing.  I found a novena (a nine day series of prayers) to Our Lady of Lourdes.  I began praying it every night.  The day after I completed the novena, Cassandra told me that she would like to go to a counselor together again.  There are indeed forces much more powerful than ourselves working in the universe.  I am not sure what will come of this, but I know that all will be well.

Thank you for taking the time to read my blog.  I hope to be able to write again next week.  May the blessings of the Lord be upon you.


Monday 4 June 2012

June 4, 2012

Somehow Cassandra found out about my blog, and she has asked me to stop.

My intention has always been to share my story of love and acceptance of another person, and to inspire others to do the same. 

I do believe that all things happen for a reason, and the reason for this recent set back will be revealed in time.  As Julian of Norwich said, "All will be well".

Thank you for reading and thank you for your wonderful feedback.  I will resume this blog when I can. 

May your lives be filled with blessings and peace!

Christian

Sunday 27 May 2012

The Power of Forgiveness

May 27, 2012
 I came across a beautiful quote by Mahatma Gandhi this week, “The weak can never forgive.  Forgiveness is an attribute of the strong.”
How misunderstood forgiveness is in our world.  It is seen by many as giving in, as letting others take advantage of us.  This is not the case at all, for those who really forgive are people of tremendous power.
I really don’t know if I truly understood forgiveness until I read Left to Tell by ImmaculĂ©e Ilibagiza.  I know that I have mentioned this before, but that is simply because it had such a tremendous impact on me.  ImmaculĂ©e, a survivor of the Rwandan Genocide, was able to face the man who killed her mother and brother and who wanted to kill her, and say, “I forgive you.”  She thus took power over her circumstance and moved forward to be the person she was truly meant to be.
In forgiving Cassandra, I am able to let go of any hurt feelings, any resentment, any pain.  I am really able to follow the example of Jesus on the cross when he said, “Father forgive them for they know not what they do.”  Cassandra really does not know what she is doing when she says hurtful things to me.  It is her pain that is talking, it is her inability to forgive, it is her depression.  It has very little to do with me.  Because she is unaware of why she is acting as she is, she really “does not know what she does.”  Of course I forgive her. 
I don’t know if I can put into words the transformation that took place in me after I read ImmaculĂ©e’s book.  It was certainly a moment of empowerment.  I could not control what Cassandra said or did, but I could control my response to it.  Forgiveness released me from her pain and from her judgement.  I had certainly become strong.
I had always believed that good was more powerful than evil, but I didn’t understand how it could be since evil caused so much pain in the world that good seemed powerless to overcome.  Now I understood.  I did not need to seek vengeance against Cassandra.  I did not have to justify myself to her.  I simply needed to forgive, and forgiving has freed me to love more deeply.  It is almost like a parent’s attitude toward their child.  We accept, we forgive, we love and we move on to the next adventure in life.  Our children learn from the natural consequences of their actions, the experience of being loved and accepted, and grow to be the people that they are meant to be.  It is the same when we are forgiven by God for our transgressions.  Even if we make the same mistake over and over, we are forgiven over and over, and eventually we become the people we are meant to be. 
As a result of forgiveness, I have seen Cassandra begin to blossom.  There is a transformation taking place.  I cannot speak for her thoughts, I can only speak for my own.   I accept that things she has said and done have been hurtful.   I release that hurt and I forgive.  The hurt is gone, and I move forward in loving myself and in loving Cassandra and our children.  That is true strength.  Perhaps it is why Cassandra has chosen to change for the better.

Monday 21 May 2012

Monday, May 21, 2012
First of all, my apologies to readers who looked for my blog yesterday.  That brings me to an important realization in living with a person who struggle with mental illness.  Sometimes it is necessary to drop what is important to me due to the needs of my partner.  I suppose this is normal in any relationship, but it is even more so in a case like mine.  Certain things seem to trigger Cassandra.  These include doing extra work for my job at home, sleeping when she is not sleeping, working on a computer, and being too busy to meet her needs.  I suspect that this has to do with being rejected or ignored as a child, but I cannot say for sure.  What is important is to know that it is part of my reality.
That brings me to an excellent quote that I came across this week.  Anthony Robbins states, "Identify your problems but give your power and energy to solutions.”

Cassandra has her struggles with depression, anger and anxiety.  She can be very reactive and her words can be harsh and cruel.  That is a fact.  What is more important, however, is the solution.  The solution in my case was to first become aware of my own goodness.  Thus I can see clearly which difficulties in our relationship are caused by me, and which are caused by Cassandra’s struggles.  This allowsme to see the truth and to come up with further solutions.  These solutions may be taking time to listen, putting down what I am doing to help Cassandra, supporting her goals, putting my wants aside, taking time for myself by meditating, exercising or learning, and simply growing in awareness as to the challenges of living with a person who struggles so greatly to make sense of the world.
These efforts are not without reward.  Through counselling, reading and reflection, Cassandra has begun to question her world view.  She asks questions that she never would have asked before.  Instead of asking, “Why did that person speak to me so disrespectfully?”   She is asking, “Why am I reacting to this person this way?  Did they really mean to be disrespectful, or am I reading too much into this?”  That is tremendous progress, and the thought of it gives me great joy.
Give power and energy to your solutions.  Have a wonderful week!
Christian

Sunday 13 May 2012

Mother’s Day, 2012
I have come across some powerful quotes this week which tie in with the way I am trying to live my life.  One of them stated: 

Resolve that every situation you encounter will make you better, stronger, wiser, more skillful, and more loving.

This is ultimately what life is all about.  We cannot control what happens to us, but we can control how we respond.  Not long ago, I came to a crossroads.  Would my marriage be over?  I knew that I was a good person and that I was being badly treated.  I could have packed up and moved on; but, at what cost?  I would have lost my family, and that was a cost I was unwilling to pay.  I would also have acted against my conscience, and again, that was a cost I was unwilling to pay.  I decided to face the situation, to be better, stronger, wiser, more skillful and more loving.  Now I begin every day resolved to be better than I was the day before.  I feel my life moving forward in amazing ways.

Another quote that I read stated:

The most important thing in communication is to hear what isn't being said. ~Peter Drucker

This has been my most valuable skill in dealing with Cassandra.  I used to listen and hear only words.  When Cassandra was angry, I took her words as truth because they were stated with such conviction.  At some level I knew that what she said about me was not true, but I still allowed her words to penetrate.  Maybe I really did only care about money, about sex, about control, etc.

What is ironic and very beautiful is that one learns to communicate better by taking time to be silent.  Using meditation helped me to find the beautiful truth at my core.  This allowed me to listen better because I no longer had to defend myself from Cassandra’s angry words.  I knew the truth about me. I realize now that what is being said tells me a great deal about Cassandra.  She has unresolved issues about money, about sex and about control.  As I listen to her, I understand her better and better.

There are still times when I need to walk away from Cassandra briefly, and then get centered on the truth.  This happened most recently when Cassandra sank into a deep depression and raged out of control day after day.  I also needed, and still need, to get support from friends or a counselor at times.  All of that is OK; in fact it is really good because it keeps me moving forward in becoming a better person, and a better listener.

Amazing things happen when we listen.  Cassandra lives in a great deal of confusion.  Verbalizing helps her to make sense of the world.  The greatest blessing in recent months has been that she has begun to see a counselor herself.  She too is now being led on a path to understand herself better, to understand her feelings and reactions, to understand how her past affects her today.  All of this is very good.

To think that all of this, and so much more, could have been lost had I walked away.  When we face challenges with courage and persistence amazing things happen.  There is a power that moves us forward and moves us inward to discover THE amazing and beautiful TRUTH. 

Sunday 6 May 2012



Life is an amazing thing.  The key is to focus on the truth.  The truth, however, is not always obvious.  We live in a world of goodness, abundance and love.  It seems at times that we are covered by a dark cloud.  That darkness is simply something that we must break through to find the truth on the other side. 

I heard a speaker this week talk about “taking on our giants.”  This was in reference to the story of David and Goliath from the Bible.  The appearance was that the shepherd boy David would be crushed by Goliath, the huge and fierce warrior.  The truth was that David was capable of finding the giant’s weakness and defeating him.

At times, Cassandra’s mental illness seems like a giant.  She is so irrational and her words are so fierce.  It appears that there is no hope.  Yet, I know that we live in a world of goodness, abundance and love.  I know that I love Cassandra, and there is nothing more powerful than love.  I know that with faith and persistence (which are really the same thing), I will break through and we will again live in peace and love.  Just over a month ago, this is exactly what happened.  I took down a giant.  Cassandra’s depression lifted as suddenly as it appeared several months earlier.

The challenge now is to move forward in healing.  I continue to listen to Cassandra with an open heart, and I am learning to talk about issues that need to be discussed in a non-threatening way.  I am learning to look at points of disagreement, not as Cassandra’s ideas, but as ideas that we need to discuss.  This becomes much less threatening for Cassandra.  Every day I learn and become a better person.

My marriage is indeed a blessing.  I look back over the last few years and I cannot believe how much I have learned, how much I have grown.  It is my constant hope and prayer that others who read my writings will embrace their marriages, look at the truth beyond appearances, and travel on an amazing road of self-discovery, full of goodness, abundance and love.

Sunday 29 April 2012

April 29, 2012

This week I have been listening to Earl Nightingale’s recording of “The Strangest Secret”.  What he says is very similar to the words of other great thinkers, that we become what we think about.  This is really true.  Since I have become aware of what I think about, and I have made conscious choices of what I think about, I have been a much more peaceful person.  Being aware of and taking ownership of our thoughts is really the key to happiness and success.
As I look back on my life thus far, I can see that up until the time that I met Cassandra, I was on the search for Truth.  I read the right books, talked to good people, set solid goals, achieved them and I was moving forward in my life.  I also had the goal of meeting an amazingly beautiful woman, bringing joy into her life and having a family.  I did that too. 
There were two things that sent me off track, however.  One was that I trusted others too much to tell me what was right.  A spiritual director long ago told me that humility does not mean putting ourselves down, humility means accepting the truth about ourselves.  If I am really good at something, be thankful for that and do it with joy.  If I know the right thing to do, I do it with confidence.  Thus, by putting the opinions of others above my own inner wisdom, I was allowing myself to make mistakes. 
This became a serious problem when I met Cassandra.  Because of her abuse and her struggles with mental illness, especially depression, her thoughts are quite confused.  Still, I allowed them to become my own.  I believed the things she said about me, like that I was selfish, I only cared about money, I cared about my work more than I cared about my family, I did not respect her or her opinions, I could not control my anger, and the list goes on.  It was only when I began to meditate regularly that I again became aware of my own thoughts and feelings.  What a beautiful revelation that was!  Bill Harris, the founder of Centerpointe Research (the makers of Holosync meditation materials), says that it is all about awareness.  How right he is!
Now that I am aware of my own thoughts, I choose positive thoughts about success and thankfulness.  When I listen to Cassandra, I can distinguish her thoughts from my own, and this allows me to be a much better listener.  Eleanor Roosevelt said, “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.”  This is exactly what I am talking about.  Cassandra’s words tell me what is going on in her mind.  This has very little, if anything, to do with me.  This is how one can live with a person with an abusive personality and not be abused, not become a victim.  Then we can look at that person spewing those angry words and say in our hearts, “Wow.  You are really hurting.  May God bless you and give you peace.” 
My God bless you as well.  Thank you for sharing my story.  My prayer is that it fills you with strength, hope and joy.
Christian

Sunday 22 April 2012

April 22, 2012


This has been a relatively calm week.  Cassandra has had her moments of anger, fear and frustration.  She continues to see a counselor, and this kind and gentle approach has been very affective for her.  For my part, I continue to do my best to be a good listener.  It has also been very important for me to be very mindful of my own thoughts.  In order to counteract Cassandra’s fears, I must be clear and firm regarding my own thoughts and feelings. I am getting better at communicating what these thoughts and feelings are, and the result has been positive.

I have written many times in this blog on the importance of meditation and prayer.  This is a tremendous source of strength.  The mind of an abusive person is a mind filled with chaos and tumult.  In order to love such a person, it is very important to be able to step back from that world.  We can only do that by being mindful of our own thoughts and feelings.  It also allows us to listen much better when we realize that we are not the source of the tumult, we are just observers.  The chaos going through the mind of our loved one has very little, if anything, to do with us. 

Still, we are human.  I have learned to become very aware of my own negative emotions.  When Cassandra acts in a way that makes me angry, my anger is trying to warn me of danger.  I need to get away.  It is vital that I leave the house.  Then I can process what is happening and respond in a loving, forgiving and constructive way.  The stronger I am in my core, the easier this is to do.  It is a great challenge, but it can be done.  The result is that I become a better person, and that I also become more aware and more skillful in dealing with my partner’s destructive tendencies.

Another beautiful thing about this type of growth is that when we become more aware, we cannot go back to behaviour that is destructive to us.  I am not saying that we shouldn’t do it, I am saying that we cannot consciously choose destructive behaviour when we are aware.  Meditation and prayer bring us to these levels of awareness.  Holosync meditation has been very helpful to me in achieving these levels of awareness.  Here is a link to find out more about this product: 
http://www.centerpointe.com/?aid=373010

I close today with a quote from Napoleon Hill.  It applies to many areas of life, and it really makes sense to those of us who choose to love our spouses:
   
There are many things you cannot control, but you can control the only
things that really matter: your mind and your attitude. External forces have
very little to do with success. Those who program themselves for success
find a way to succeed even in the most difficult of circumstances. Solutions
to most problems come from one source and one source alone: yourself. Living
life to the fullest is a lot like shooting the rapids in a rubber raft. Once
you’ve made the commitment, it’s difficult to change your mind, turn around,
and paddle upstream to placid waters. But it’s the excitement and adventure
that make it all worthwhile. If you never make the attempt, you may never
know the depths of despair, but neither will you experience the exhilaration
            of success

Sunday 15 April 2012

April 15, 2012

This week has gone well with Cassandra.  She has continued to see a counselor, and I have seen her increase in mindful awareness.  When she gets upset, I have seen her take a step back and say, “I don’t know why I reacted in that way,” and even, “I am sorry.”  This has been a great blessing.
At the same time, I need to be constantly aware.  I need to be aware that I am still dealing with a spouse who struggles with fear and haunting memories.  In order to do this, I need to be aware, and I need to be educated.
I have found an excellent resource in the TEARS AND HEALING series, written by Richard 21CP.  He too lived with an abusive spouse and now helps to raise awareness and bring about healing for those who still live in similar situations.  I have found his resources excellent in trying to understand my own situation, and in ultimately realizing that there is something terribly wrong with my dear wife.  His writings also affirmed what I knew about myself, that I am not the crazy one in this situation.   His books and resources are available online at: http://tearsandhealing.com/
I do not agree with everything that Richard says, however.  As a Christian and one who believes in the Law of Attraction, I always have hope.  Had I followed what Richard says, I would have given up on Cassandra and moved on years ago.  I knew in my heart that that was just not the right thing to do.  I knew that there was a way though this, and I am proving that fact every day.  It has been, and continues to be, an amazing journey filled with much growth and many blessings.
I know that there are spouses out there who are sicker and more abusive than Cassandra.  Everyone who reads this blog has to make his or her own choice.  Still, it is a choice.  God never gives us a challenge that we cannot handle.  How are you called to handle your challenge?  Understand your situation, understand yourself, believe in the power of the goodness that lives inside of you, and do the right thing.
God bless you!
Christian

Saturday 7 April 2012

Easter, 2012


Easter, 2012

I have been debating with myself as to whether I should continue this blog now that Cassandra’s depression has lifted.  I had to go back to my original purpose, which was to give hope to those dealing with similar struggles in their marriages.  What better way to give hope than to tell people of the brighter days that lie ahead?  There is so little written from this perspective, from people who live with, grow through and ultimately triumph in extremely challenging marriages.  Though I must write clandestinely, I know that continuing this blog is simply the right thing to do.

I recently read a book called GETTING COMFORTABLE BEING UNCOMFORTABLE by Bob Molle.  The author tells the story of going from having back surgery to competing in the Olympics only 21 days later.  How did he do it?  He had a mentor who told him that athletes did not have the same limits as other people because they are not “average”.  Molle believed him and recovered quickly.  He went on to not only compete in the Olympics, but to win a silver medal in wrestling, and then to have a very successful career playing professional football. 

I believe that the same is true for those of us who have challenging marriages.  My attitude is that I am special.  God has chosen me for this marriage, and God will give me what I need to be successful.  It really is that simple.  The thing is, however, that we all have that something special.  It is just like in the movie “Space Jam”, when the Loonie Tunes players were ready to give up at half time in their basketball game against the Monstars.  Bugs Bunny gave them a water bottle to drink from, filled with Michael Jordan’s “special stuff”.  When they drank the tap water from the bottle, the Loonie Tunes all thought that they were invincible, that they had what it took to come back and win the game.  Sure enough, they won.  We all have that “special stuff” inside of us.  We just need to believe.

Easter this year is indeed a celebration of resurrection for Cassandra and I.  The dark night is over.  I feel very blessed to be married to a woman who, despite her struggles, believes that marriage is forever.  Focus on the goodness in your spouse, and the greatness in yourself.  It is a blessing to be able to share  my path with you, and it will be good for me to recall what I have learned if and when the dark times return.  I honestly am thankful that I chose Cassandra and that she chose me. 

Be thankful, be great, nourish your own goodness, love, and do the right thing.  Many blessings lie ahead.

Happy Easter!

Christian

Sunday 1 April 2012

April 1, 2012

A few months ago, I set Friday, March 30, as the date when Cassandra would begin to achieve mental wellness.  Following the advice of the teachers of the law of attraction, I made the statement twice daily, when I got up in the morning and when I went to bed at night, that “By March 30, 2012, Cassandra will begin to receive psychiatric treatment and be on the road to mental wellness.”  As far as I know, there has been no psychiatric treatment, but something has happened.  The edge is gone from her voice.  She can ask without being demanding, and disagree without being accusing.  It is absolutely fascinating.
In order to achieve success in any area, it is necessary to always be thankful.  Again, this is pointed out over and over again by teachers of the law of attraction.  In a spirit of thanksgiving, I opened the bible that was a wedding gift to Cassandra and I.  I opened to Matthew 8: 5-13, the healing of the centurion’s servant.  I could not believe what I read.  Jesus’s reaction was, “Amen, I say to you, in no one in Israel have I found such faith.”  Matthew goes on to give further examples of how  Jesus healed others in body, mind and spirit.  I am humbled by this message.  Has Cassandra indeed been healed as a result of my unwavering faith?  Time will tell.  For the moment, I simply feel tremendous thankfulness.
The depression has lifted just as it began last August.  Cassandra and I can communicate just as we did before.  Now the healing can begin.  Now we can move forward in our relationship. 
How did we get through this long and difficult time?  Napoleon Hill puts it well:

Through some strange and powerful principle of “mental chemistry” which she
has never divulged, Nature wraps up in the impulse of strong desire “that
something” which recognizes no such word as impossible, and accepts no such
reality as failure.


The two things that have given me the greatest inner strength are my Christian faith and Holosync meditation (http://www.centerpointe.com/?aid=373010).  Somehow I found the way through the last several months.  The key was to keep focused on a goal.  I have experienced a great deal of personal growth, and I know that there will be great healing in the months ahead. 

Sunday 25 March 2012

March 25, 2012

I heard someone say this week that, “The solution to all problems and issues lies inside of you.”  This is indeed true.  As a lover of both God and baseball, I have often said, “God never hits us a ball that we can’t catch.”  I know that all readers of this blog to not believe in God, but I ask you please to bear with me.
When dealing with a difficult marriage, the problems can seem overwhelming, and it is easy to focus on our frustrations with our partner.  The answer to these problems, however, lies in finding the power within ourselves.  The rest really will take care of itself.
I just finished reading SACRED MARRIAGE, by Gary Thomas.  I really found his views on marriage very affirming.  We do not know what our spouse will be like when we make the promise to be faithful “For better or for worse, in sickness and in health, till death do we part.”  Yet that is what we promise, and in living up to that promise, we find tremendous blessings.
Those who read this blog know that I struggle in my marriage to Cassandra.  She suffered from terrible abuse as a child, she now struggles with mental illness and she can be emotionally and verbally abusive.  I have to admit that the thought of leaving her crossed my mind several times through the years, but it never seemed right.  In reading Thomas’s book, I understand why.  He states, “If you are living in a one-sided marriage where you feel like you are giving and giving and never receiving, my heart goes out to you…Remind yourself that you are also in a situation where you can grow spiritually by leaps and bounds.  If the heart of Christianity is service, any situation that shapes the spirit of a servant in you is worthwhile – even a lopsided marriage.”
Several years before I got married, I lived as a celibate missionary, and I contemplated living my entire life serving the Lord as a celibate.  I knew that I couldn’t do so, however, because I did not love that lifestyle enough.  I know that I made the right choice because being married to Cassandra has forced me to grow in ways that I never knew that a person could grow.  I have discovered an inner goodness in me that is so much stronger than any cruel phrase that Cassandra hurls at me.  I have also discovered a capacity to love and forgive that I never could have imagined.
In Thomas’s book he makes reference to Abraham Lincoln and his wife Mary Todd Lincoln.  I did a bit of further reading on the couple and I found that many historians believe that Abraham Lincoln was indeed an abused spouse.  Mary could not only be verbally abusive, but also physically abusive.  She may have suffered from depression and may have been bi-polar.  Later in life she was institutionalized in a psychiatric hospital for a time.  Still, her illness and abuse did not prevent Abraham Lincoln from becoming one of the greatest politicians in the history of the world.  In fact, it may have been one of the reasons why he was such a great man.  Abraham Lincoln clearly understood the power of love and forgiveness, and lived according to the strength of his own character.  He clearly loved Mary very much, yet he was able to rise above her dysfunctional behavior and accept her in a spirit of forgiveness.  Wasn’t the behavior of his nation very much the same at that time?  Yet he continued to move forward in a spirit of strength and calm, leading the United States through the greatest crisis in its history.  He is certainly a man whom I would seek to emulate. 
Abraham Lincoln was a very great man.  We all have the same capacity for greatness.  We just need to find it.


Sunday 18 March 2012

March 18, 2012

Life is a beautiful thing.  Each day I have the opportunity to learn more and more, and grow more and more in wisdom.  I love reading good books and listening to inspiring people speak. 
I have been reading SACRED MARRIAGE, by Gary Thomas.  He asks the question, “What if God designed marriage to make us holy more than to make us happy?”    Basically what he means is that by loving another person unconditionally, by putting the needs of another person ahead of our own wants, as we are called to do by our marriage vows, we are challenged to grow spiritually.  This growth naturally brings us tremendous peace, joy and indeed happiness.
Another of Thomas’s quotes states, “the institution of marriage is designed to force us to become reconcilers.  That is the only way we’ll survive spiritually.”  This brings me to a moment of enlightenment I had several months ago.  I was reading LEFT TO TELL, by ImmaculĂ©e Ilibagiza.  This amazing woman survived the Rwandan genocide, hidden in a small bathroom with several other women.  After the genocide she visited a prison and met the man who had killed her mother and one of her brothers, and who had wanted to kill her.  She was able to look this man in the eye and say, “I forgive you.”  It was the most powerful passage I have ever read, and I was strongly impacted.  What I realized in that moment was the power of forgiveness.  ImmaculĂ©e was released from the pain of anger, hatred and the desire for vengeance.  She is now a messenger of peace and reconciliation in our broken world, and a woman of great power and influence. 
After reading this passage, I realized the power of forgiveness in my own marriage.  I am able to forgive Cassandra for each tirade, for each insult.  I know that what motivates her to speak this way is a deeply wounded spirit.  I feel compassion and forgiveness.  Cassandra does not seem to understand what is happening, but I realize that the ability to respond with love is great power.  It would be so much easier for Cassandra to blame me for all of our problems if I responded by lashing back verbally, being unfaithful, etc.  I know that I present a great challenge to her.
This past week Cassandra went to her counsellor and came back saying, “There is no need to go to counselling together.  I want to separate.”  What is interesting is my response.  I see this as just another step toward our goal of going away together on a beautiful holiday.  I know that may sound crazy, but I can see “the truth despite appearances.”  I also know Cassandra.  So often she has insisted on having things to bring her happiness.  When she gets them, she is happy for a time, but the restlessness in her soul remains, and the anger and frustration soon return.  If she does indeed move out, she will be happy for a time, but she will soon realize that while she has gotten away from me, she hasn’t gotten away from the source of her pain.  That will be a very good realization.  Like the father in the story of the prodigal son, I will always be here to welcome her back.
Some may read this and think that I am crazy.  That is OK.  I may be crazy, but I am definitely at peace.  When I married Cassandra, I promised to be faithful, for better or worse, in sickness and in health.  There is great joy in finding a way to keep one’s promise, and there is great peace in following through.

Sunday 11 March 2012

March 11, 2012


I will admit that I am a believer in the Law of Attraction.  It is very consistent with my Christian faith, and with my own world view.  For a number of years I believed others who told me that this was unrealistic and that I needed to accept reality.  This is likely one of the reasons why I chose to marry Cassandra.  She seemed so grounded, so realistic.  Little did I know that she too was affected by the Law of Attraction, whether she was aware of it or not.  Little did I realize the impact her past would have upon our present lives.

Several years ago I watched the movie “The Secret”.  When I did, I said, “Yes!  I was right all along!  That is how the world is!”  I began a new journey of self-discovery, and it has been wonderful.  Ultimately, where we are and how exactly we are going to reach our goal is less important than actually having a clear goal.  I know that life is a challenge with Cassandra, but I also know that the day that I walk on the beach in the Cook Islands with the woman I love is a reality.  I just visualize it every day, and I feel it happening.

This blog is my effort to share that journey with you.  The fact that I am accomplishing this goal gives hope to many.  In order to do so, I must have a very strong WHY.  The person with a WHY can deal with any HOW.  The how can be extremely difficult.  In my case it certainly is, but I also know that I am extraordinary.  We all need to know that we are extraordinary, because we all are! 

I believe in myself, I believe in the goodness in Cassandra, and I believe in a loving God.  I believe in the heroism in each of us.  I can see my children thanking me, saying, “Thank you for keeping our family together.  Thank you for loving Mom.  Thank you for loving us.  You are truly a great man.”

Those of us who live with emotional and verbal abuse can take courage in the words of Eleanor Roosevelt:  “You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face.  You are able to say to yourself, ‘I lived through this horror.  I can take the next thing that comes along.’”

While keeping this perspective, we must remember to take care of ourselves.  As I have said before, Holosync meditation has been a godsend for me.  You can check it out for yourself by going to http://www.centerpointe.com/?aid=373010

I have also found a counselor who supports me in my goals, helps me to understand Cassandra’s illness, and helps me to develop strategies in dealing with her in a positive manner.  In addition, I read great books, like Bob Molle’s GETTING COMFORTABLE BEING UNCOMFORTABLE, and I listen to inspiring talks. 

Of course I also enjoy writing my blog and sharing my story with you.  I hope that Cassandra will be the woman walking along the beach with me in the Cook Islands, but I do not control Cassandra, and I do not control God.  Whatever happens, I am joyful and thankful.  "All will be well."

May God fill your heart with grace and peace!

Christian