April 29, 2012

This week I have been listening to Earl Nightingale’s recording of “The Strangest Secret”.  What he says is very similar to the words of other great thinkers, that we become what we think about.  This is really true.  Since I have become aware of what I think about, and I have made conscious choices of what I think about, I have been a much more peaceful person.  Being aware of and taking ownership of our thoughts is really the key to happiness and success.

As I look back on my life thus far, I can see that up until the time that I met Cassandra, I was on the search for Truth.  I read the right books, talked to good people, set solid goals, achieved them and I was moving forward in my life.  I also had the goal of meeting an amazingly beautiful woman, bringing joy into her life and having a family.  I did that too. 

There were two things that sent me off track, however.  One was that I trusted others too much to tell me what was right.  A spiritual director long ago told me that humility does not mean putting ourselves down, humility means accepting the truth about ourselves.  If I am really good at something, be thankful for that and do it with joy.  If I know the right thing to do, I do it with confidence.  Thus, by putting the opinions of others above my own inner wisdom, I was allowing myself to make mistakes. 

This became a serious problem when I met Cassandra.  Because of her abuse and her struggles with mental illness, especially depression, her thoughts are quite confused.  Still, I allowed them to become my own.  I believed the things she said about me, like that I was selfish, I only cared about money, I cared about my work more than I cared about my family, I did not respect her or her opinions, I could not control my anger, and the list goes on.  It was only when I began to meditate regularly that I again became aware of my own thoughts and feelings.  What a beautiful revelation that was!  Bill Harris, the founder of Centerpointe Research (the makers of Holosync meditation materials), says that it is all about awareness.  How right he is!

Now that I am aware of my own thoughts, I choose positive thoughts about success and thankfulness.  When I listen to Cassandra, I can distinguish her thoughts from my own, and this allows me to be a much better listener.  Eleanor Roosevelt said, “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.”  This is exactly what I am talking about.  Cassandra’s words tell me what is going on in her mind.  This has very little, if anything, to do with me.  This is how one can live with a person with an abusive personality and not be abused, not become a victim.  Then we can look at that person spewing those angry words and say in our hearts, “Wow.  You are really hurting.  May God bless you and give you peace.” 

My God bless you as well.  Thank you for sharing my story.  My prayer is that it fills you with strength, hope and joy.

Christian

April 22, 2012

This has been a relatively calm week.  Cassandra has had her moments of anger, fear and frustration.  She continues to see a counselor, and this kind and gentle approach has been very affective for her.  For my part, I continue to do my best to be a good listener.  It has also been very important for me to be very mindful of my own thoughts.  In order to counteract Cassandra’s fears, I must be clear and firm regarding my own thoughts and feelings. I am getting better at communicating what these thoughts and feelings are, and the result has been positive.

I have written many times in this blog on the importance of meditation and prayer.  This is a tremendous source of strength.  The mind of an abusive person is a mind filled with chaos and tumult.  In order to love such a person, it is very important to be able to step back from that world.  We can only do that by being mindful of our own thoughts and feelings.  It also allows us to listen much better when we realize that we are not the source of the tumult, we are just observers.  The chaos going through the mind of our loved one has very little, if anything, to do with us. 

Still, we are human.  I have learned to become very aware of my own negative emotions.  When Cassandra acts in a way that makes me angry, my anger is trying to warn me of danger.  I need to get away.  It is vital that I leave the house.  Then I can process what is happening and respond in a loving, forgiving and constructive way.  The stronger I am in my core, the easier this is to do.  It is a great challenge, but it can be done.  The result is that I become a better person, and that I also become more aware and more skillful in dealing with my partner’s destructive tendencies.

Another beautiful thing about this type of growth is that when we become more aware, we cannot go back to behaviour that is destructive to us.  I am not saying that we shouldn’t do it, I am saying that we cannot consciously choose destructive behaviour when we are aware.  Meditation and prayer bring us to these levels of awareness.  Holosync meditation has been very helpful to me in achieving these levels of awareness.  Here is a link to find out more about this product: 
http://www.centerpointe.com/?aid=373010

I close today with a quote from Napoleon Hill.  It applies to many areas of life, and it really makes sense to those of us who choose to love our spouses:

   

There are many things you cannot control, but you can control the only

things that really matter: your mind and your attitude. External forces have

very little to do with success. Those who program themselves for success

find a way to succeed even in the most difficult of circumstances. Solutions

to most problems come from one source and one source alone: yourself. Living

life to the fullest is a lot like shooting the rapids in a rubber raft. Once

you’ve made the commitment, it’s difficult to change your mind, turn around,

and paddle upstream to placid waters. But it’s the excitement and adventure

that make it all worthwhile. If you never make the attempt, you may never

know the depths of despair, but neither will you experience the exhilaration

            of success

April 15, 2012

This week has gone well with Cassandra.  She has continued to see a counselor, and I have seen her increase in mindful awareness.  When she gets upset, I have seen her take a step back and say, “I don’t know why I reacted in that way,” and even, “I am sorry.”  This has been a great blessing.

At the same time, I need to be constantly aware.  I need to be aware that I am still dealing with a spouse who struggles with fear and haunting memories.  In order to do this, I need to be aware, and I need to be educated.

I have found an excellent resource in the TEARS AND HEALING series, written by Richard 21CP.  He too lived with an abusive spouse and now helps to raise awareness and bring about healing for those who still live in similar situations.  I have found his resources excellent in trying to understand my own situation, and in ultimately realizing that there is something terribly wrong with my dear wife.  His writings also affirmed what I knew about myself, that I am not the crazy one in this situation.   His books and resources are available online at: http://tearsandhealing.com/

I do not agree with everything that Richard says, however.  As a Christian and one who believes in the Law of Attraction, I always have hope.  Had I followed what Richard says, I would have given up on Cassandra and moved on years ago.  I knew in my heart that that was just not the right thing to do.  I knew that there was a way though this, and I am proving that fact every day.  It has been, and continues to be, an amazing journey filled with much growth and many blessings.

I know that there are spouses out there who are sicker and more abusive than Cassandra.  Everyone who reads this blog has to make his or her own choice.  Still, it is a choice.  God never gives us a challenge that we cannot handle.  How are you called to handle your challenge?  Understand your situation, understand yourself, believe in the power of the goodness that lives inside of you, and do the right thing.

God bless you!

Christian

Easter, 2012

Easter, 2012

I have been debating with myself as to whether I should continue this blog now that Cassandra’s depression has lifted.  I had to go back to my original purpose, which was to give hope to those dealing with similar struggles in their marriages.  What better way to give hope than to tell people of the brighter days that lie ahead?  There is so little written from this perspective, from people who live with, grow through and ultimately triumph in extremely challenging marriages.  Though I must write clandestinely, I know that continuing this blog is simply the right thing to do.

I recently read a book called GETTING COMFORTABLE BEING UNCOMFORTABLE by Bob Molle.  The author tells the story of going from having back surgery to competing in the Olympics only 21 days later.  How did he do it?  He had a mentor who told him that athletes did not have the same limits as other people because they are not “average”.  Molle believed him and recovered quickly.  He went on to not only compete in the Olympics, but to win a silver medal in wrestling, and then to have a very successful career playing professional football. 

I believe that the same is true for those of us who have challenging marriages.  My attitude is that I am special.  God has chosen me for this marriage, and God will give me what I need to be successful.  It really is that simple.  The thing is, however, that we all have that something special.  It is just like in the movie “Space Jam”, when the Loonie Tunes players were ready to give up at half time in their basketball game against the Monstars.  Bugs Bunny gave them a water bottle to drink from, filled with Michael Jordan’s “special stuff”.  When they drank the tap water from the bottle, the Loonie Tunes all thought that they were invincible, that they had what it took to come back and win the game.  Sure enough, they won.  We all have that “special stuff” inside of us.  We just need to believe.

Easter this year is indeed a celebration of resurrection for Cassandra and I.  The dark night is over.  I feel very blessed to be married to a woman who, despite her struggles, believes that marriage is forever.  Focus on the goodness in your spouse, and the greatness in yourself.  It is a blessing to be able to share  my path with you, and it will be good for me to recall what I have learned if and when the dark times return.  I honestly am thankful that I chose Cassandra and that she chose me. 

Be thankful, be great, nourish your own goodness, love, and do the right thing.  Many blessings lie ahead.

Happy Easter!

Christian

April 1, 2012

A few months ago, I set Friday, March 30, as the date when Cassandra would begin to achieve mental wellness.  Following the advice of the teachers of the law of attraction, I made the statement twice daily, when I got up in the morning and when I went to bed at night, that “By March 30, 2012, Cassandra will begin to receive psychiatric treatment and be on the road to mental wellness.”  As far as I know, there has been no psychiatric treatment, but something has happened.  The edge is gone from her voice.  She can ask without being demanding, and disagree without being accusing.  It is absolutely fascinating.

In order to achieve success in any area, it is necessary to always be thankful.  Again, this is pointed out over and over again by teachers of the law of attraction.  In a spirit of thanksgiving, I opened the bible that was a wedding gift to Cassandra and I.  I opened to Matthew 8: 5-13, the healing of the centurion’s servant.  I could not believe what I read.  Jesus’s reaction was, “Amen, I say to you, in no one in Israel have I found such faith.”  Matthew goes on to give further examples of how  Jesus healed others in body, mind and spirit.  I am humbled by this message.  Has Cassandra indeed been healed as a result of my unwavering faith?  Time will tell.  For the moment, I simply feel tremendous thankfulness.

The depression has lifted just as it began last August.  Cassandra and I can communicate just as we did before.  Now the healing can begin.  Now we can move forward in our relationship. 

How did we get through this long and difficult time?  Napoleon Hill puts it well:

Through some strange and powerful principle of “mental chemistry” which she

has never divulged, Nature wraps up in the impulse of strong desire “that

something” which recognizes no such word as impossible, and accepts no such

reality as failure.

The two things that have given me the greatest inner strength are my Christian faith and Holosync meditation (http://www.centerpointe.com/?aid=373010).  Somehow I found the way through the last several months.  The key was to keep focused on a goal.  I have experienced a great deal of personal growth, and I know that there will be great healing in the months ahead.