February 26, 2012

I came across a brilliant quote from the great philosopher Socrates this week. Here it is:

“By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll become happy; if you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher.”

At first I simply laughed, but upon further reflection, I realized that Socrates was actually speaking a great truth. We do our best in choosing a spouse. Many of us choose wonderful spouses who suit us and live in marital bliss. Many of us do not. I can look back and see the danger signs that I plowed through in choosing Cassandra, but I alone am responsible for the choice that I made. If I choose to look upon this with regret, it leads to destruction. If I choose to accept my current responsibility, and choose to love, I too find tremendous happiness.

I know that my marriage is the greatest challenge I have ever faced in my life. This, however, is the task that God has called me to. It is my mission, my ministry, and I prove myself worthy for the challenge every day. If I make a mistake, I get up and keep moving forward with greater wisdom.

I watched a movie that inspired me this week and had a similar message. It is called “Glory”. It is about one of the first Black regiments in the American Civil War. The soldiers and their white officers faced insurmountable odds, but always kept believing in what they were doing and kept moving forward. Several of them were strongly influenced by the writings of Ralph Waldo Emerson. They eventually proved themselves worthy in battle, inspiring other Black regiments, and all who supported their cause. We now tell stories of them and are inspired.

What stories will be told about those of us who have challenging marriages? Will our children and grandchildren speak of our greatness and the positive difference we made in their lives? It is really up to us. I know the pain that one feels being married to a person with a mental illness. I know the pain of being accused of having horrible thoughts, I know the pain of not being understood or even listened to. I know the pain of not knowing what is happening to the person whom I love so dearly. Anthony Robbins states, “Pain is temporary, but eventually something else will take its place, if I quit however it will last forever.”

My friend Jim had a tough week. This is what I said to him:

Remember that no matter what happens, you are going to be OK. You are a
great person, you have a good job and your kids love you. You can get a
nice place, your kids will come to you, you can make good financial investments,
you have a good pension, you can give your kids a post-secondary education, and
I can go on and on. Sandra (Jim’s wife) has nothing to gain.
But, you also have to let her make her own decisions. That said, she is
responsible for those decisions and the consequences of
them.

Cassandra has spoken of divorce, and I have calmly said, "It
that is what you are going to do, I can't control that. It is not my choice, it
is your choice, but you also have to accept the consequences of that
decision." She gets upset and says, "Don't put this all on me." Yet,
the truth is, it is all on her and she knows that. It is the same with
Sandra. If the kids ask what happened to your family, you can honestly
tell them that it was their mother's decision, and Sandra has to live with that
forever. "If you love someone, let them go. It they return, the are
yours. If they do not, they never were."

I am not saying give up. Quite the contrary. I am saying look at the truth and reflect
that back in as kind and calm a way as possible to Sandra and the kids.

In no way am I saying to point the finger or to blame our spouses, yet we must respect their freedom, which includes to freedom to make mistakes. God loves us, but God does not control us. We have been given the gift of free will. We give that same freedom to others. At the same time, we continue to hope and to know that indeed, “All will be well.” We need to “see truth despite appearances”. There is a divine power which we simply have to allow to work. We need to “let go and let God”

“Happy the man whose own soul does not accuse him, and who has never given up hope.” (Ecc 14:2)

February 19, 2012

This week I have learned about the power of prayer, and the importance of persistence. 

An amazing miracle happened this week.  I had been praying, “My dear Cassandra, I bless you with love and I release you to your highest good.”  The response in Cassandra was quite amazing.  She said, “I don’t know why I put it off so long, but I decided that I need to apply for my Master’s Degree.”  The deadline was on Wednesday, and the entire application process was extremely positive.  The reference letters were amazing, and we were able to focus for several days on Cassandra’s gifts and the positive direction her life was heading.  It was absolutely wonderful.  I thought that perhaps the long depression, which began on August 10, was over.

Unfortunately, once the deadline was met, Cassandra’s depression returned.

It is a great challenge to be married to someone with depression.  There was no Valentine’s card from Cassandra, and the card I gave her was not acknowledged, just as the Christmas and birthday gifts were not accepted.  I identify strongly with the story of Job from the Bible.  My beautiful and cherished wife has been taken away, just as Job lost all that he possessed.  Yet through faithfulness and perseverance, all of Job’s treasures were returned, and he was rewarded for his faithfulness.   There is a great deal of truth in this.  We see it over and over not only in spiritual writings, but also in history.  Victor Frankl lost all that he had in the concentration camps of World War II, but went on to become one of the best selling authors of all time with his book Man’s Search for Meaning.  This is a classic book of Faith, perseverance and controlling one’s thoughts.  Frankl lived by what he taught, and his life was one of triumph.

When a person struggles with mental illness, they can be very intelligent and articulate, their words make sense to them, and they speak them with conviction.  I find, however, that often after listening to Cassandra I am exhausted.  I have found that when I find truth, it energizes me.  It would then make sense that finding untruth would bring exhaustion.  What I typically do in these instances is pray for guidance and open the Bible.  The message that I always get is one of trusting in God and good overcoming evil.  I do not mean to say that Cassandra is in any way evil, but her words are not truth.  I have learned to accept and forgive Cassandra, to allow her to keep her thoughts, and to allow myself to keep my own. 

Regardless of our circumstances, our greatest freedom is to choose our own thoughts.  There are amazing books of wisdom now in the public domain, and one of these is As a Man Thinketh by James Allen.  Our thoughts determine our lives.  If we think thoughts of anger and hatred, we are consumed by these and this brings destruction.  If we think of love, kindness, compassion and forgiveness, we live lives of peace, prosperity and goodness.  It makes a lot of sense to me.  Despite Cassandra’s inner turmoil and her harsh words, I am at peace.  I control my thoughts, therefore I control my emotions, words and actions.  I know that much good will come of the challenge of my marriage.  Indeed it is a great blessing.

The book As a Man Thinketh  is small and relatively easy to read.  It can be downloaded for free at:

http://www.asamanthinketh.net/

May God bless you with peace and joy.

February 12, 2012

I came across a beautiful quote today:

“If you strive for justice you will attain it and put it on like a splendid robe. Birds nest with their own kind, and fidelity comes to those who live by it.” (Sirach 27: 8-9)

What that says to me is that those who are challenged in our marriages, who struggle with difficult spouses, need to be good and just, to seek to love, to pray and not seek vengeance. At the same time, we need to come together and support each other in efforts to live out our marriage vows.

This came very clear to me when I was talking to my friend Jim about the struggles in his marriage. He is so grateful that I reached out to him. He had no idea that our struggles were so similar. Just by being who I am and believing what I believe, I was able to strengthen him and help him to listen to his own conscience telling him to do the right thing. We can observe the destruction that hatred, anger and vengeance wreak on others. That is their own choice and part of their own path. We must choose to respond with love and faith, knowing that “As a man thinketh, so is he.” Anger brings forth destruction. Those of us who have faith can see the truth, despite appearances.

I asked Jim to look forward five years. Regardless of how his marriage ends up, what will his children say to him then? Will they say, “You ruined our happy home.”? Or will they say, “Thank you for being our rock through a very difficult time. Thank you for saving our family. Thank you for always being there for us. Thank you for being a person of love and integrity.”? The choice is ours.

I have continued to pray for my own wife Cassandra this week. Every day I say several times, “My dear Cassandra, I bless you with love and I release you to your highest good.” I also pray for Jim’s wife and for Cassandra’s sister, but I feel this prayer most deeply when I pray for Cassandra because I love her the most. Something is happening. I don’t know what yet, but something is happening. I was able to reach Cassandra with a grain of hope, sending her a positive affirmation at work by email. After that, we had one of the most pleasant conversations we’ve had in months. God is working, and I need to let Him work.

I also went to a counsellor this week. That was good because he was able to affirm what I am doing and what I believe. Again, a difficult spouse can make one feel all alone, like no one will listen to us, like we are all wrong. It is very important to find a person to trust who will really listen and help us to hear God speaking to us from within. What really came out in talking to this counselor is that I am on the right track. I am on excellent terms with all of my children, perhaps the best ever. They all feel free to talk to me about their ideas, and they know that I will listen. What a wonderful blessing that is.

I would also like to share a link to Centerpointe research. Though the link may make their product sound too good to be true, I can assure you that their product is everything they promise and more. This form of meditation, called “Holosync”, allows you to experience a very deep state of meditation by simply listening to a CD. Their support products and coaches are also wonderful. If you are seeking peace and understanding despite the chaos happening around you, this product will help. Here is the link:

http://www.centerpointe.com/?aid=373010

May God's grace be with you in abundance this week.  Jim Rohn says that if you want success in anything, you need to work on yourself more than you do on that area of your life.  Find God living inside of you, and you will find many blessings in your life.

February 5, 2012

This blog is to give hope to those who struggle in their marriages.  It may at times seem like all is lost, but that is not true!  There is tremendous hope, there is tremendous power.  Where do you find this hope, this power?  Inside of YOU! 

I am married to a woman with an undisclosed mental illness.  She suffered horrendous abuse from her father as a child.  When we got married, I had no idea that this would bring havoc into our lives together.  Cassandra told me that she had gone to counselling and had dealt with her issues, and I believed her.  For a long time I thought I was the problem in our marriage because that is what Cassandra kept telling me.  The amazing thing is that by working on myself, as Cassandra kept insisting that I do,  I found a tremendous gift inside of me!  Being in a challenging marriage is actually an amazing blessing.  It is not easy, but it is amazing.  I have written a book that tells my story.  It is called, FINDING THE POWER WITHIN:  THE BLESSINGS OF A CHALLENGING MARRIAGE.  It will be out in a few months, and I will keep you posted.

What I have discovered since writing the book is that I am discovering new things and growing by leaps and bounds every day.  That is the reason why I decided to start this blogg.  I will be sharing what I learn each week.

What did I learn in the last few weeks?  A great deal actually.  I have watched a good friend's marriage begin to crumble.  His wife is the best friend of my sister-in-law (Cassandra's sister), Jane.  Jane was also abused by her father and now has little good to say about men.  My friend Jim and his wife Sandra have three teenage daughters, all amazing people.  Jim is a functioning alcoholic, and he has gone to AA for the last year.  He is also a wonderful father.  A few weeks ago Jim fell off the wagon and locked Sandra out of the house.  What was interesting was that over the last year, as he grew as a person thanks to AA, Sandra grew more and more distant from him and closer to Jane. Sandra then began insisting on a divorce. 

What really struck me that night, however, was Jane's reaction to Jim's actions.  Sandra was over at my house, along with Jane.  I was worried about Jim and said that I needed to talk to him.  Jane looked at me with hate in her eyes and said, "What do you want to talk to HIM for?!"  I will never forget that look, it was like the pictures of the 1994 genocidaires in Rwanda.  I have never come face to face with something so frightening.

I have since given encouragement to Jim.  His story is similar to mine.  I know what he is going through, and I know that he needs to find his power within.  He is finding it, and I know that he will be OK.  He has returned to AA, and is looking for answers in the right places.  I am praying that his marriage survives.  Divorce would be so painful for their children, and the truth is, there really is no need for a divorce.  What is needed more than anything else is forgiveness.

I have learned a great deal in working through my feelings regarding Jane.  Every weekend, she leads the choir in church, just like her abusive father used to do. I was finding this very hard to watch.  Instead of avoiding going to church, however, I prayed before I went.  An amazing power came into me.  I went to church and looked at Jane.  I could see the hurting little girl behind the angry woman.  I began praying for her.  I said, "May God's grace and peace fill your soul."  She seemed a bit flustered with me looking at her, but I was filled with such joy, such power, it was beautiful!  I just knew it was right.
Since then, I have come across another prayer, and as I say it, I can feel God's power working.  It goes like this:  "My dear (say the person's name), I bless you with love and I release you to your highest good."

My marriage to Cassandra continues to be the greatest challenge of my life, but each day I am growing.  The journey is amazing and beautiful.  May you find peace and joy in your journey as well.  I'll talk to you next week.

God bless you!

Christian Gottlieb