Sunday 25 March 2012

March 25, 2012

I heard someone say this week that, “The solution to all problems and issues lies inside of you.”  This is indeed true.  As a lover of both God and baseball, I have often said, “God never hits us a ball that we can’t catch.”  I know that all readers of this blog to not believe in God, but I ask you please to bear with me.
When dealing with a difficult marriage, the problems can seem overwhelming, and it is easy to focus on our frustrations with our partner.  The answer to these problems, however, lies in finding the power within ourselves.  The rest really will take care of itself.
I just finished reading SACRED MARRIAGE, by Gary Thomas.  I really found his views on marriage very affirming.  We do not know what our spouse will be like when we make the promise to be faithful “For better or for worse, in sickness and in health, till death do we part.”  Yet that is what we promise, and in living up to that promise, we find tremendous blessings.
Those who read this blog know that I struggle in my marriage to Cassandra.  She suffered from terrible abuse as a child, she now struggles with mental illness and she can be emotionally and verbally abusive.  I have to admit that the thought of leaving her crossed my mind several times through the years, but it never seemed right.  In reading Thomas’s book, I understand why.  He states, “If you are living in a one-sided marriage where you feel like you are giving and giving and never receiving, my heart goes out to you…Remind yourself that you are also in a situation where you can grow spiritually by leaps and bounds.  If the heart of Christianity is service, any situation that shapes the spirit of a servant in you is worthwhile – even a lopsided marriage.”
Several years before I got married, I lived as a celibate missionary, and I contemplated living my entire life serving the Lord as a celibate.  I knew that I couldn’t do so, however, because I did not love that lifestyle enough.  I know that I made the right choice because being married to Cassandra has forced me to grow in ways that I never knew that a person could grow.  I have discovered an inner goodness in me that is so much stronger than any cruel phrase that Cassandra hurls at me.  I have also discovered a capacity to love and forgive that I never could have imagined.
In Thomas’s book he makes reference to Abraham Lincoln and his wife Mary Todd Lincoln.  I did a bit of further reading on the couple and I found that many historians believe that Abraham Lincoln was indeed an abused spouse.  Mary could not only be verbally abusive, but also physically abusive.  She may have suffered from depression and may have been bi-polar.  Later in life she was institutionalized in a psychiatric hospital for a time.  Still, her illness and abuse did not prevent Abraham Lincoln from becoming one of the greatest politicians in the history of the world.  In fact, it may have been one of the reasons why he was such a great man.  Abraham Lincoln clearly understood the power of love and forgiveness, and lived according to the strength of his own character.  He clearly loved Mary very much, yet he was able to rise above her dysfunctional behavior and accept her in a spirit of forgiveness.  Wasn’t the behavior of his nation very much the same at that time?  Yet he continued to move forward in a spirit of strength and calm, leading the United States through the greatest crisis in its history.  He is certainly a man whom I would seek to emulate. 
Abraham Lincoln was a very great man.  We all have the same capacity for greatness.  We just need to find it.


Sunday 18 March 2012

March 18, 2012

Life is a beautiful thing.  Each day I have the opportunity to learn more and more, and grow more and more in wisdom.  I love reading good books and listening to inspiring people speak. 
I have been reading SACRED MARRIAGE, by Gary Thomas.  He asks the question, “What if God designed marriage to make us holy more than to make us happy?”    Basically what he means is that by loving another person unconditionally, by putting the needs of another person ahead of our own wants, as we are called to do by our marriage vows, we are challenged to grow spiritually.  This growth naturally brings us tremendous peace, joy and indeed happiness.
Another of Thomas’s quotes states, “the institution of marriage is designed to force us to become reconcilers.  That is the only way we’ll survive spiritually.”  This brings me to a moment of enlightenment I had several months ago.  I was reading LEFT TO TELL, by ImmaculĂ©e Ilibagiza.  This amazing woman survived the Rwandan genocide, hidden in a small bathroom with several other women.  After the genocide she visited a prison and met the man who had killed her mother and one of her brothers, and who had wanted to kill her.  She was able to look this man in the eye and say, “I forgive you.”  It was the most powerful passage I have ever read, and I was strongly impacted.  What I realized in that moment was the power of forgiveness.  ImmaculĂ©e was released from the pain of anger, hatred and the desire for vengeance.  She is now a messenger of peace and reconciliation in our broken world, and a woman of great power and influence. 
After reading this passage, I realized the power of forgiveness in my own marriage.  I am able to forgive Cassandra for each tirade, for each insult.  I know that what motivates her to speak this way is a deeply wounded spirit.  I feel compassion and forgiveness.  Cassandra does not seem to understand what is happening, but I realize that the ability to respond with love is great power.  It would be so much easier for Cassandra to blame me for all of our problems if I responded by lashing back verbally, being unfaithful, etc.  I know that I present a great challenge to her.
This past week Cassandra went to her counsellor and came back saying, “There is no need to go to counselling together.  I want to separate.”  What is interesting is my response.  I see this as just another step toward our goal of going away together on a beautiful holiday.  I know that may sound crazy, but I can see “the truth despite appearances.”  I also know Cassandra.  So often she has insisted on having things to bring her happiness.  When she gets them, she is happy for a time, but the restlessness in her soul remains, and the anger and frustration soon return.  If she does indeed move out, she will be happy for a time, but she will soon realize that while she has gotten away from me, she hasn’t gotten away from the source of her pain.  That will be a very good realization.  Like the father in the story of the prodigal son, I will always be here to welcome her back.
Some may read this and think that I am crazy.  That is OK.  I may be crazy, but I am definitely at peace.  When I married Cassandra, I promised to be faithful, for better or worse, in sickness and in health.  There is great joy in finding a way to keep one’s promise, and there is great peace in following through.

Sunday 11 March 2012

March 11, 2012


I will admit that I am a believer in the Law of Attraction.  It is very consistent with my Christian faith, and with my own world view.  For a number of years I believed others who told me that this was unrealistic and that I needed to accept reality.  This is likely one of the reasons why I chose to marry Cassandra.  She seemed so grounded, so realistic.  Little did I know that she too was affected by the Law of Attraction, whether she was aware of it or not.  Little did I realize the impact her past would have upon our present lives.

Several years ago I watched the movie “The Secret”.  When I did, I said, “Yes!  I was right all along!  That is how the world is!”  I began a new journey of self-discovery, and it has been wonderful.  Ultimately, where we are and how exactly we are going to reach our goal is less important than actually having a clear goal.  I know that life is a challenge with Cassandra, but I also know that the day that I walk on the beach in the Cook Islands with the woman I love is a reality.  I just visualize it every day, and I feel it happening.

This blog is my effort to share that journey with you.  The fact that I am accomplishing this goal gives hope to many.  In order to do so, I must have a very strong WHY.  The person with a WHY can deal with any HOW.  The how can be extremely difficult.  In my case it certainly is, but I also know that I am extraordinary.  We all need to know that we are extraordinary, because we all are! 

I believe in myself, I believe in the goodness in Cassandra, and I believe in a loving God.  I believe in the heroism in each of us.  I can see my children thanking me, saying, “Thank you for keeping our family together.  Thank you for loving Mom.  Thank you for loving us.  You are truly a great man.”

Those of us who live with emotional and verbal abuse can take courage in the words of Eleanor Roosevelt:  “You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face.  You are able to say to yourself, ‘I lived through this horror.  I can take the next thing that comes along.’”

While keeping this perspective, we must remember to take care of ourselves.  As I have said before, Holosync meditation has been a godsend for me.  You can check it out for yourself by going to http://www.centerpointe.com/?aid=373010

I have also found a counselor who supports me in my goals, helps me to understand Cassandra’s illness, and helps me to develop strategies in dealing with her in a positive manner.  In addition, I read great books, like Bob Molle’s GETTING COMFORTABLE BEING UNCOMFORTABLE, and I listen to inspiring talks. 

Of course I also enjoy writing my blog and sharing my story with you.  I hope that Cassandra will be the woman walking along the beach with me in the Cook Islands, but I do not control Cassandra, and I do not control God.  Whatever happens, I am joyful and thankful.  "All will be well."

May God fill your heart with grace and peace!

Christian




Sunday 4 March 2012

March 4, 2012

A few people have responded to my blog questioning why I would stay with such an abusive woman. That is an excellent question, and I have given it thorough reflection.

Basically, as with all things in life, we make choices. Sometimes the choice is conscious, sometimes it is not. I realized long ago that Cassandra is abusive. Verbal and emotional abuse are almost impossible to prove in court. I could have simply walked away from the relationship. The price of this, however, was one that I am not willing to pay. I will not walk away from my children. I will not expose them to an ugly custody battle. I will not leave them to fend for themselves with a woman who could then turn her abuse onto them (I have already seen this to an extent, especially in the way she speaks to my sons – fortunately my children have me to debrief with). She could also start a relationship with another abusive person and thus expose my children to even more danger. I also love my children dearly and love saying prayers of blessing as they go to bed at night, and saying good morning to them the next day.

My choice has been to remain in the relationship and to be a witness. I have thus written a book called FINDING THE POWER WITHIN:  THE BLESSINGS OF A CHALLENGING MARRIAGE, I have started this blog, and I am making efforts to reach out to others in a similar situation. I believe that there are many of us. What has been tried in the past, trying to stand up for oneself, taking these abuse issues to court, etc., has only resulted in broken families and pain. I believe that there is a better way.

The key is to be strong within and to see oneself as a witness. It is also necessary to walk away from the abuse and thus take power away from the abuser. In fact, after reading Dr. Laura Leaf’s book, WHO SWITCHED OFF MY BRAIN?, I realized that this is indeed a good strategy. When a person is angry and allows that anger to control them, they are actually releasing more toxins into their brains. By walking away from the abuser, it stops the angry abuse and actually serves them as much as it serves us.

Recently I tried a different strategy. It worked in one sense, but I have found it very painful. I set my cell phone to record at the touch of a button. When Cassandra gets abusive, I record it. I have some powerful recordings that I can play for my counselor and discuss, but as I say, listening to Cassandra results in more anger. It is much healthier for us both if I simply walk away.

In recent months I have also learned to take control of my thoughts. By being mindful of my own thoughts, I have learned to choose to have positive thoughts. It thus has become much more obvious to me what thoughts originate in me, and what thoughts originate in Cassandra. When she accuses me of trying to provoke her, for example, it is very clear that I have done nothing of the sort, the angry response is clearly her reaction to something kind and innocent. This keeps me from entering her chaotic and confused world. Her issues remain uniquely her issues.

I am building my strategy around the teachings of Wallace D. Wattles in his book THE SCIENCE OF GETTING RICH. I believe that these theories work not only for getting wealth, but for getting healthy, satisfying, loving relationships. I keep the vision of a healthy and loving Cassandra, and a healthy relationship with her in my mind. It is very important to see this truth, despite appearances. That takes great discipline and power of thought. Somehow I know that I am right. I may not control Cassandra, but I do control my thoughts and my destiny. If Cassandra does not accept this love and this relationship, she will fade out of the picture, and all will be well. My positive, loving thoughts can only produce positive results.

I am seeing this happen with my friend Jim. This week things began to turn in his favor. His wife, Sandra, misrepresented herself and her situation to the courts and to legal aid in order to get a lawyer and to get a restraining order against Jim. She is now facing possible fraud charges from legal aid because she did not disclose all of her income and assets to them. She is also facing possible criminal charges for misrepresenting her situation in order to get a restraining order, as well as possible civil charges should Jim decide to prosecute. Jim is loved by many and it is well known that he is a kind, gentle and generous man. If it comes to trial, he will have no difficulty getting witnesses to speak on his behalf. Sandra is very alone, having only herself and her friend Jane on her side. Jim did little to create this scenario, it just happened as a result of Sandra’s thoughts and actions. Thoughts really do become things.

If you would like to read THE SCIENCE OF GETTING RICH for yourself, you can download it at:
http://www.soilandhealth.org/03sov/0304spiritpsych/030412.Wattle.Getting.Rich.pdf

May God grant you many blessings. I’ll speak to you again next week.