The Power of Forgiveness

May 27, 2012

 I came across a beautiful quote by Mahatma Gandhi this week, “The weak can never forgive.  Forgiveness is an attribute of the strong.”

How misunderstood forgiveness is in our world.  It is seen by many as giving in, as letting others take advantage of us.  This is not the case at all, for those who really forgive are people of tremendous power.

I really don’t know if I truly understood forgiveness until I read Left to Tell by Immaculée Ilibagiza.  I know that I have mentioned this before, but that is simply because it had such a tremendous impact on me.  Immaculée, a survivor of the Rwandan Genocide, was able to face the man who killed her mother and brother and who wanted to kill her, and say, “I forgive you.”  She thus took power over her circumstance and moved forward to be the person she was truly meant to be.

In forgiving Cassandra, I am able to let go of any hurt feelings, any resentment, any pain.  I am really able to follow the example of Jesus on the cross when he said, “Father forgive them for they know not what they do.”  Cassandra really does not know what she is doing when she says hurtful things to me.  It is her pain that is talking, it is her inability to forgive, it is her depression.  It has very little to do with me.  Because she is unaware of why she is acting as she is, she really “does not know what she does.”  Of course I forgive her. 

I don’t know if I can put into words the transformation that took place in me after I read Immaculée’s book.  It was certainly a moment of empowerment.  I could not control what Cassandra said or did, but I could control my response to it.  Forgiveness released me from her pain and from her judgement.  I had certainly become strong.

I had always believed that good was more powerful than evil, but I didn’t understand how it could be since evil caused so much pain in the world that good seemed powerless to overcome.  Now I understood.  I did not need to seek vengeance against Cassandra.  I did not have to justify myself to her.  I simply needed to forgive, and forgiving has freed me to love more deeply.  It is almost like a parent’s attitude toward their child.  We accept, we forgive, we love and we move on to the next adventure in life.  Our children learn from the natural consequences of their actions, the experience of being loved and accepted, and grow to be the people that they are meant to be.  It is the same when we are forgiven by God for our transgressions.  Even if we make the same mistake over and over, we are forgiven over and over, and eventually we become the people we are meant to be. 

As a result of forgiveness, I have seen Cassandra begin to blossom.  There is a transformation taking place.  I cannot speak for her thoughts, I can only speak for my own.   I accept that things she has said and done have been hurtful.   I release that hurt and I forgive.  The hurt is gone, and I move forward in loving myself and in loving Cassandra and our children.  That is true strength.  Perhaps it is why Cassandra has chosen to change for the better.

Monday, May 21, 2012

First of all, my apologies to readers who looked for my blog yesterday.  That brings me to an important realization in living with a person who struggle with mental illness.  Sometimes it is necessary to drop what is important to me due to the needs of my partner.  I suppose this is normal in any relationship, but it is even more so in a case like mine.  Certain things seem to trigger Cassandra.  These include doing extra work for my job at home, sleeping when she is not sleeping, working on a computer, and being too busy to meet her needs.  I suspect that this has to do with being rejected or ignored as a child, but I cannot say for sure.  What is important is to know that it is part of my reality.

That brings me to an excellent quote that I came across this week.  Anthony Robbins states, "Identify your problems but give your power and energy to solutions.”

Cassandra has her struggles with depression, anger and anxiety.  She can be very reactive and her words can be harsh and cruel.  That is a fact.  What is more important, however, is the solution.  The solution in my case was to first become aware of my own goodness.  Thus I can see clearly which difficulties in our relationship are caused by me, and which are caused by Cassandra’s struggles.  This allowsme to see the truth and to come up with further solutions.  These solutions may be taking time to listen, putting down what I am doing to help Cassandra, supporting her goals, putting my wants aside, taking time for myself by meditating, exercising or learning, and simply growing in awareness as to the challenges of living with a person who struggles so greatly to make sense of the world.

These efforts are not without reward.  Through counselling, reading and reflection, Cassandra has begun to question her world view.  She asks questions that she never would have asked before.  Instead of asking, “Why did that person speak to me so disrespectfully?”   She is asking, “Why am I reacting to this person this way?  Did they really mean to be disrespectful, or am I reading too much into this?”  That is tremendous progress, and the thought of it gives me great joy.

Give power and energy to your solutions.  Have a wonderful week!

Christian

Mother’s Day, 2012

I have come across some powerful quotes this week which tie in with the way I am trying to live my life.  One of them stated: 

Resolve that every situation you encounter will make you better, stronger, wiser, more skillful, and more loving.

This is ultimately what life is all about.  We cannot control what happens to us, but we can control how we respond.  Not long ago, I came to a crossroads.  Would my marriage be over?  I knew that I was a good person and that I was being badly treated.  I could have packed up and moved on; but, at what cost?  I would have lost my family, and that was a cost I was unwilling to pay.  I would also have acted against my conscience, and again, that was a cost I was unwilling to pay.  I decided to face the situation, to be better, stronger, wiser, more skillful and more loving.  Now I begin every day resolved to be better than I was the day before.  I feel my life moving forward in amazing ways.

Another quote that I read stated:

The most important thing in communication is to hear what isn't being said. ~Peter Drucker

This has been my most valuable skill in dealing with Cassandra.  I used to listen and hear only words.  When Cassandra was angry, I took her words as truth because they were stated with such conviction.  At some level I knew that what she said about me was not true, but I still allowed her words to penetrate.  Maybe I really did only care about money, about sex, about control, etc.

What is ironic and very beautiful is that one learns to communicate better by taking time to be silent.  Using meditation helped me to find the beautiful truth at my core.  This allowed me to listen better because I no longer had to defend myself from Cassandra’s angry words.  I knew the truth about me. I realize now that what is being said tells me a great deal about Cassandra.  She has unresolved issues about money, about sex and about control.  As I listen to her, I understand her better and better.

There are still times when I need to walk away from Cassandra briefly, and then get centered on the truth.  This happened most recently when Cassandra sank into a deep depression and raged out of control day after day.  I also needed, and still need, to get support from friends or a counselor at times.  All of that is OK; in fact it is really good because it keeps me moving forward in becoming a better person, and a better listener.

Amazing things happen when we listen.  Cassandra lives in a great deal of confusion.  Verbalizing helps her to make sense of the world.  The greatest blessing in recent months has been that she has begun to see a counselor herself.  She too is now being led on a path to understand herself better, to understand her feelings and reactions, to understand how her past affects her today.  All of this is very good.

To think that all of this, and so much more, could have been lost had I walked away.  When we face challenges with courage and persistence amazing things happen.  There is a power that moves us forward and moves us inward to discover THE amazing and beautiful TRUTH. 

Life is an amazing thing.  The key is to focus on the truth.  The truth, however, is not always obvious.  We live in a world of goodness, abundance and love.  It seems at times that we are covered by a dark cloud.  That darkness is simply something that we must break through to find the truth on the other side. 

I heard a speaker this week talk about “taking on our giants.”  This was in reference to the story of David and Goliath from the Bible.  The appearance was that the shepherd boy David would be crushed by Goliath, the huge and fierce warrior.  The truth was that David was capable of finding the giant’s weakness and defeating him.

At times, Cassandra’s mental illness seems like a giant.  She is so irrational and her words are so fierce.  It appears that there is no hope.  Yet, I know that we live in a world of goodness, abundance and love.  I know that I love Cassandra, and there is nothing more powerful than love.  I know that with faith and persistence (which are really the same thing), I will break through and we will again live in peace and love.  Just over a month ago, this is exactly what happened.  I took down a giant.  Cassandra’s depression lifted as suddenly as it appeared several months earlier.

The challenge now is to move forward in healing.  I continue to listen to Cassandra with an open heart, and I am learning to talk about issues that need to be discussed in a non-threatening way.  I am learning to look at points of disagreement, not as Cassandra’s ideas, but as ideas that we need to discuss.  This becomes much less threatening for Cassandra.  Every day I learn and become a better person.

My marriage is indeed a blessing.  I look back over the last few years and I cannot believe how much I have learned, how much I have grown.  It is my constant hope and prayer that others who read my writings will embrace their marriages, look at the truth beyond appearances, and travel on an amazing road of self-discovery, full of goodness, abundance and love.