Sunday 17 February 2013

Grace


I came across this quote:

Chances are that you'll come face to face with hurting people today. Give them the benefit of the doubt. Show them grace. ~Clayton King

This says a lot about Cassandra and people like her.  They are simply hurting people who don’t know what to do with their hurt.  Nothing else would motivate a person to speak in a cruel way toward others.  It became clear to me this week that one of the changes in attitude that allowed me to re-connect with Cassandra was simply the growth in empathy from reading books by and about people who survived child sexual abuse. 

One book in particular, Daddy’s Girl by Charlotte Vale Allen, brought out the horror and confusion caused to a girl growing up in a horribly abusive home.  In reading this, I realized that Cassandra grew up in a world completely different from my own.  It’s no wonder that she sees the world so differently.  As I’ve written before, it is a question of developing empathy.

That said, it is also imperative that we know ourselves and to evaluate our own respective situations.  Each person who reads this must make their own decision regarding their situation in life.  I just hope that reading this blog gives you valuable food for thought.  Thank you for joining me on this journey.  I really do find myself growing in ways that I never knew that a person could grow.  By facing the challenge of my marriage, I really am becoming a better person.  In showing grace to others, we too become filled with grace.  I hope and pray that your journey is also filled with grace and tremendous personal growth. 

In solidarity and prayer,

Christian

Sunday 10 February 2013

Reasons to Stay


Since I began writing this blog, I have been asked several times why I stay in my marriage.  I ask myself the same question.  A few weeks ago, I came to the point where I was mentally and spiritually ready to move on.  I could see a very bright future for myself, and it is good to know that moving on is a very real and viable option for me. 

I did not decide to move on.  I decided to move forward with Cassandra.  Does this mean that I am weak?  Does it mean that I am actually afraid to move on?  I have given these questions careful consideration.  Several points of reflection come into play.

The first question is:  Do I believe that this relationship can be better?  The answer to this is yes.  The reason why I can answer yes is because I believe in miracles and I believe in the sacrament of marriage.  I honestly do believe that the shifts that have taken place in Cassandra and in our marriage are the result of prayer and Divine Intervention.  I also believe that this healing can and will continue.    I know that this may sound crazy to some readers, but it is something that I believe from the depths of my soul.

The second question is:  Do I like myself in this relationship?  Do I see myself becoming a better person?  The answer to this question is also yes.  Facing the challenge of my marriage has forced me to grow in ways that I never knew a person could grow.  We do not often choose our circumstances in life, but we do choose how we respond to them.  I had no idea that life with Cassandra would be so difficult.  She seemed so together when we were first dating.  It wasn’t until after we had a child that it became clear to me that something was not right and that I was indeed being abused.  I could have left and no one would have held it against me, but it did not feel right.  As I said a few weeks ago, I chose to become bigger than my problem.  I had to become bigger than the abuse, and I did.   I really like who I am and who I am becoming.

The third question is:  Is there any evidence that I am doing the right thing by staying?  The answer again is yes.  I look at my children and I see beautiful, kind, secure people.  My oldest child, from Cassandra’s first marriage, has his struggles.  I didn’t come into the picture until he was six, but enough people have told me that they see my influence in his life for me to know that it exists.  Cassandra’s second child was three when I came into the picture.  It is surprising how alike we are.  He is just the kindest, most accepting young man today.  Everyone feels comfortable and happy in his presence.  Our youngest, the child that Cassandra and I had together, is also a wonderful young person.  She is bright and hard-working, and again, people just like to be in her presence.  I see children of divorce every day in my work as a teacher.  I can see the pain in their eyes.  I know that sometimes divorce and separation are necessary for the well-being of one partner and the children, but that is not the case in my situation.

Every situation is unique.  This is why it is so necessary for those of us with difficult partners to take very good care of ourselves.  We need to be at peace with who we are so that we can hear the voice of God speaking in our hearts and make the right decisions.  For me Holosync meditation and my Christian Faith enable me to do this.  I am forever thankful.

May God be with you.

Christian

Monday 4 February 2013

Returning Home


I returned home this week.  This was very positive.  Though I did not receive an admonition from Cassandra that she is abusive and needs to make changes, I did receive a commitment to do better.  Will things be perfect?  Likely there will be struggles again, but, as Hunter Thompson says, “Who is happier: he who has braved the storm of life and lived or he who has stayed securely on shore and merely existed?"

I also came to an important realization in myself.  I have no difficulty in life accepting the perspective of a person from a different culture.  I can accept the other person’s opinion as valid, even though I may not understand it or even believe what they see as an absolute truth.  This ability made my life in Africa both fruitful and enjoyable.  So why haven’t I been able to take the same perspective with Cassandra?  She was raised in the same culture as I was, but her family and mine could not have been more different.  Being brought up in an abusive home, her belief systems are very different from mine.  Why haven’t I simply been able to accept that?  In fact, by accepting that, I am able to have a healthy detachment from Cassandra.  I no longer take what she says personally, I am able to observe that this person really sees the world in a way that is much different than my own.  I’m able to ask questions and to learn.  Her words and accusations no longer have an impact on me.  They simply represent a world view quite different from my own.

This ties in with a very valuable lesson from the Napoleon Hill Foundation:
The mind is the most powerful weapon known to man. It simply cannot be controlled or contained by an outside force, however formidable that force may at first appear. Throughout history, tyrants have tried to control those who opposed them, but eventually these rulers discovered the power of the imagination was far greater than the threat of the sword. As Victor Hugo said, “An invasion of armies can be resisted, but not an idea whose time has come.” 
No one else can control our thoughts.  That is our ultimate freedom.   I close today with one final quote:
Although we may not have a choice with the cards we are dealt at times, we always have a choice with how we play them.  Kim Gemmell

May God bless you abundantly this week.

Christian